The Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) has been announced today as the winner of the “Melting of the Year” Award. The victory comes after the agency lost 8 percent of its staff in the first 18 months of President Trump’s administration.
“We are so surprised to win”, Joseph Wancini, the EPA’s President, explained this morning after receiving the news. “To be honest, we didn’t think we would win. We really thought that the illegal migrants’ hopes to be reunited with their children would be melting faster than our staff. We were even expecting the chances for the United States to end up 2018 without a Nuclear war to be melting faster than us. Apparently, we were wrong”.
As surprised as they are to win the award, the Environmental Protection Agency plans to enjoy it as much as possible.
“We are happy to have won. Kind of. I think?”, Joseph continues. “We are going to celebrate while we can. With less and less people working for the agency, we know it is only a matter of months before the ice in Greenland starts to melt faster than us. We have no chance to win next year. And we are all gonna die soon. But for now we are going to have cake. And alcohol. A lot of alcohol”.