Beating Up Loud Eaters is Not a Crime Anymore in Virginia

Richmond, Virginia – The State of Virginia has voted today a law stating that beating up loud eaters or drinkers isn’t a crime anymore.

“As long as the loud eating is the only reason for the violence, obviously”, a Senator explains. “It didn’t make sense to keep using the law to protect those people, they don’t deserve it. We obviously don’t encourage anyone to use violence, but we won’t stop it either from now on”.

Martin Hurls is seriously thinking about beating up his colleague. Indeed, she sounds like a thousand hungry pigs are feasting on whatever pigs eat when she eats her lunch at her desk, every day. Martin doesn’t share the view that this is victim blaming.

“We work in an open space”, Martin explains. “Her desk is just next to mine. I want to pull my ears out every time she eats. How freaking hard is it to close your stupid mouth? Don’t even start me on her drinking tea manner? Do. Not. Fucking. Slurp. It. I don’t care if you like to drink it boiling hot. If you can’t drink it like a decent human being, it’s too hot. You need to wait. Or stop tea. I am happy about that law. I hate loud eaters! I’ll mention it to my colleague. I hope it will be enough to make her stop. But if it’s not the case, I won’t be committing any crime. And I am happy about it!”

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