Minneapolis Police Launches the Calm Your Tits Down Operation

Minneapolis, Minnesota – In an attempt to restore the image of the police, Minneapolis new police chief has decided to launch a program to help improve his officers’ response when facing stressful situations, the Calm Your Tits Down Operation.

Donovan L., one of the first person to benefit from the program is quite satisfied with what he has learned. “It all started with a”calm your tits down” party. I went back home one evening and my friends, family and some colleagues were there. It was more an intervention than a party to be honest. But there was a banner and a cake”.

After each of the person present that night voiced their concern, Donovan was taken for a week long camping retreat. “We talked around the fire at night. We discussed about every time a barking dog, a 5’1” woman sneezing or a black man tripping almost made us shoot them. We did a lot of yoga. On the last day, we had to “arrest” a squirrel and bring it alive to the chief, only using soothing words, cuddling techniques and bonding time. It took me 7 hours and I almost shot the damned thing dead 63 times but I made it. It was really worth it in the end”.

So is Donovan happy about the experience?

“Yes, really. I really need a wake up call. I shot my TV six times since the beginning of 207. It had to stop. I am confident I will be a better cop now”.

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