United States Will Ban People Over 75 from July 2018

Washington – The United States Government’s latest decision has once again left a lot of citizens completely outraged. Indeed, it has been announced this morning that they would ban people over 75 years old. The measure will start being effective in July 2018.

“In 2017, people over 75 driving a car have caused more accidents and deaths than terrorists and Lindsey Lohan circa 2007 together”, Anthony Rewys,  a spokesman for the government explains. “Of course, we could try to find solutions. But banning a whole section of the population for the mistakes and crimes of a small percentage of it seems like such an easy way out! We are going to have so much more free time now!”

Boris Crakmon, a member of Amnesty International, is very concerned about the implications of such a decision.

“Well, sure, it might bring to zero the number of deaths by car driven by someone over 75 years old”, Boris says. “But that is a very heavy handed solution to a weirdly specific problem. How do we know we won’t be the next ones to be victims of a ban?”.

Anthony Rewys  assures that the government doesn’t plan on killing anyone.

“We might make an exception for Florida and send everybody over 75 there”, Anthony says. “Or we might send them to Russia. Not that we have any link with that country or anything. It’s just an idea. We have 6 months to figure things out anyway”.